Post-operation depression is not fun. It also comes with post-operational anxiety. I don't like any of this. The anxiety is not like the anxiety that I had while on the Losartan. It was way worse and I didn't want Briana to leave me AT ALL when I was on that. The thought of how that made me feel still scares me and the memory makes me cry.
It turns out that this post-operation depression and anxiety is normal. Sometimes I'll just start crying over nothing and then it'll take on a form of something to be sad about (and I can't control what it is). Sometimes I don't even have any reason to be crying other than my body just makes me cry.
The anxiety is not good, either. With it, there is an almost constant lump in my throat. I worry that I'll do something stupid, but I don't want to do anything stupid. I have these "what if" thoughts. They are so stupid and I hate them. If I were feeling completely like myself, I'd not have these at all. I'd not think about stupid stuff like this - like what if my throat was slit or I was choked. It may be by me or by others. Thoughts of "What if my sister found me . . ." in some horrible condition like that.
I can say that sleep is good because once I get to sleep, I don't have those thoughts. Honestly, when I wake and am just down in bed and relaxing, I feel normal and don't have those thoughts. However, when I sit up and start doing stuff for the day, then the feelings of depression and anxiety come back.
I scare myself because of these feelings.
I'm glad that I have found they are common after surgery. I hate how they make me feel and while I am not suicidal at all, I keep reminding myself I have every reason to live and reminding myself of all the things that I want to accomplish. It is so strange because I have no desire to hurt myself or anybody or anything else.
I wish doctors and nurses would warn you of these things.