I <3 God, sheepie

Facts??? I think not . . .

Brought to you by wrong answers guessed by random trivia players.
Started on Saturday, June 6, 2015 . . .

  1. Saudi Arabia is the world's tallest land mammal.
  2. Greece is located in the continent of Spain.
  3. Fresh kale is blue.
  4. Kevi Vacon is the name of an actor.
  5. Winnie the Pooh lives in Shermon woods.
  6. Oslo is the capital of Switzerland.
  7. The term for the distance light travels in one year is revolution.
  8. Crimson is a shade of blue.
  9. A rat is an insect.
  10. A comet is a children's outdoor toy attached to a string.
  11. There was a king of England named Henry Visio.
  12. Andrew Carnegie made his fortune in the opera industry.
  13. The original color of Yoshi from the Super Mario Bros. series of games is purple.
  14. Spiderman is a Disney villain.
  15. Bilbo Baggins is a character in Harry Potter.
  16. In the American English dictionary, the letter Z comes before the letter W.
  17. Roosters are used in equestrian sports.
  18. The country of South Africa is on the continent of Europe.
  19. St. John was the first pope.
  20. People who support football teams are known as both air conditioners and ventilators.
  21. A sundial is a type of clock that wakes people up.
  22. There is a Disney movie called Snow White and the 7 Clowns.
  23. In the medical field, gestation means both farting and digestion.
  24. Roses produce saffron.
  25. There is a saying that goes, "An apple a day keeps the disease away."
  26. A cube has eight faces.
  27. Carbon dioxide smells like rotten eggs.
  28. A seagull is a type of fish.
  29. The wisemen brought baby Jesus gifts of gold, silver, and pottery.
  30. Mother Goose wrote The Cat in the Hat.
  31. Ernest Hemingway wrote The Cat in the Hat.
  32. Ariel is a male Disney character that falls in love with Princess Jasmine.
  33. Lady from Lady and the Tramp is a poodle.
  34. Tom of Tom and Jerry is blue.
  35. Tommy from The Rugrats has the last name Rugrats or Rug.
  36. The wisemen brought gifts of gold, pearls, and diamonds to the baby Jesus.
  37. Superman either came from the planet Neptune or Saturn.
  38. According to Beyonce, if you liked it, you shouldv'e put your lips on it.
  39. Horse milk is made to make chevre (a type of cheese).
  40. Bactrians and dromedaries are bears.
  41. Tetanus is known as the Black Death.
  42. House cats are diesel powered.
  43. Polo is a sport that is played on the backs of either camels or ostriches.
  44. Lying under oath is known as either burglary or larceny.

Brought to you by wrong answers guessed by random trivia players.
I <3 God, sheepie

Maybe my conscience is just saying to find somebody I trust . . .

On Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, I had this strange dream.

I know where part of it came from. I was watching Austin and Ally and Ally wanted to ask a guy to dance, but she was afraid to ask him because she couldn't dance. Then, at the end of the episode, we find out he wanted to dance with her, but he was afraid to ask because he couldn't dance and then we see them both enjoying themselves and badly dancing.

I had this dream where a guy that I know finally got up the nerve to ask me to dance. I left my service doggies in my transport wheelchair and got up and danced with him. I woke up freaked out since I know he is a Catholic priest and that part seemed all wrong.

I hadn't been thinking of the guy and I rarely think of him unless people talk about him or I happen to see him or his name. There's no real reason to think about him because he's now a Catholic priest, so it is not likely he would be asking me to dance unless he quit that profession or there is a major change where Catholic priests are allowed to marry.

He and I were in the same 5th grade class and we always got along, but of course, when it came to group work, he did it with some of the other boys near where he sat and I did it with some of the other girls near where I sat.

He, another guy, and I did love being "the smart ones," though as sometimes we passed tests and others had to retake them and we would get computer time. We were often found playing "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego" and I often ran to get encyclopedias to find answers. Remember the days when you actually had to look for information in hard bound books called encyclopedias?

He used to draw this comic called House Cats, so I had always thought he was going to go into the arts because we loved that comic and his creativity. I was surprised when I found out he became a Catholic priest.

But, yeah, a Catholic priest wanting to dance with me would be strange, but if for some reason he wasn't that or was allowed to marry, he's a nice guy and I could definitely see me with me if that was meant to be. Seems weird, though.

It was pointed out to me that it is not a sin for a Catholic priest to dance with a friend as long as the feeling is no more than the agape love, care for the person, and friendship. In real life, this would be the case. However, in the dream, it was like we had romantic feelings for each other, basically immediately. You know how those things happen in dreams.

#strangedream #strangedreams #weirddream #weirddreams #odddream #odddreams #dream #dreams
I <3 God, sheepie

My list of random rules.

  • Rule #4903: Bad puns must be shared.
  • Rule #3322: No matter how much you like or hate disco, you dance to YMCA when you hear it.
  • Rule #2345: There are things that only sisters are allowed to say to each other.
  • Rule #0345: Everybody's dog is the best dog ever.
  • Rule #8713: As soon as you are prepared to do something for yourself, everyone will suddenly want your attention.
  • Rule #4757: You can't move if your dog or cat is asleep on you.
  • Rule #5450: A sure fire way to lose something important is to place it 'somewhere safe.'
  • Rule #0473: As soon as you are happy and warm and comfortable in bed, you need to pee.
  • Rule #8403: As soon as you get in bath or shower. The phone will ring.
  • Rule #3038: If you post instructions for students to read in the instructions section of any online course, you will get 15 emails or private messages asking how to do it.
  • Rule #0248: You are never too old for toys.
  • Rule #8374: No matter how sneaky you think you’re being someone will see you pick your nose.
  • Rule #9284: Dogs will always have one last bark when you've asked them to be quiet.
  • Rule #5032: Any car you buy will experience a catastrophic problem within 6 months
  • Rule #6302: You will never remember the umbrella when it is actually going to rain.
  • Rule #1938: If you can even vaguely wear it on your head, you must put it on your head.
  • Rule #3035: No matter how old you are, if a child hands you a toy phone you will answer it.
  • Rule #4891: The car never makes the weird noise for the mechanic.
  • Rule #9213: The number of unwritten rules is infinite.
  • Rule #4024: The tallest person to walk into a theatre will sit directly in front of the shortest person there.
I <3 God, sheepie

Some of my own silliness

Do your appliances talk to you at night? Does your refrigerator lull you into a false security while singing siren songs of engorging yourself on cold chili dogs and chocolate cake? Does your microwave sing sweet lullabies of warm chocolate chip cookies and your oven lilt the praises of lasagna and warm apple pie?

Thought I'd share my latest limerick:

If it's tea you are going to make,
You need to get ready to bake
For drink without sweet,
Is not complete
And everyone will want cake.
I <3 God, sheepie

So many feelings, so complicated. I've written lots on Facebook. Here are things.

Dear Briana,

I hope you know that I am writing. I hope you are communicating with me like it often seems. I don't see why it wouldn't be because things don't make sense if you're not.

I am so sorry for all you had to go through. I never wanted you to be so sick or to be hurt or to suffer. I tried my best. I tried to get doctors to pay attention. I tried to get doctors to get you a decent diagnosis.

I had hope for you when Adult Protective Services took you from the house. Then, it got sad when you had to go t oth medical group home. I hated that for you and the fact that they never told me anything.

Then, I had hope for you in the nursing home I knew that you would have trouble talking after a bit as I couldn't understand you, even though you wanted to talk. However, it seemed you were doing better.

Yet, I know you chose palliative care, I wish there was more I could've done for you.

You were always there for me before being taken from the house and I could talk to you when I had feelings of missing Daddy or Mama or any of our doggies.

Not having somebody to talk to is going to be the hardest.

It's never a relief to lose a loved one. I had hope for Briana when she got to the nursing home in Plaquemine. They were giving her some type of medicine to break up her secretions. They had her eating and she seemed to be doing better. They had sent her to the hospital when she had aspirated and they sent her up again soon after thinking she had aspirated, but she didn't, so I felt pretty good as that meant they were keeping a close watch on her. She had even told me that she had a physical therapist and there was a nurse or therapist that would come and help her brush her teeth. She seemed to be so happy about that. At least she was somewhere she enjoyed much more than the group home.


Yet, thinking about that, I can only think about how I was being "groomed" all my life to be a caretaker, but one never realizes when they are being groomed. It's not just for sexual abuse or cults. It can happen for almost anything.

In high school, I had to start cooking dinner for my family and make sure to get it done by 5pm most nights because of my Daddy's diabetes. Yes, it was almost every day.

Then Daddy got sick and had his left leg amputated below the knee and I would have to go shopping for groceries while he was in the hospital and when he came home. I didn't always have to cook, but if my Mama didn't want to cook, I often had to cook or pick up dinner. Briana and I had to do things to take care of Daddy. I had to do a lot for Daddy with his wheelchair. I even remember how one time he wanted to go to a store and he still was not strong enough to truly go out to do things, but he made me go out with him in his wheelchair and he was not just letting me push him (though difficult) and was acting like he could move and then he fell over in the yard and was passed out and a neighbor had to come help me and get him into bed. Then he was asleep for hours and I thought I was fine with things, but he woke up and then he was angry that we never went to the store and acted like it hadn't been hours.


Once Briana got her diagnosis of Asperger's, my parents never went to the counseling sessions with her. It was always me. I had to take her. I had to go. I had no idea why my Mama wasn't going. Of course, we also found that Mama probably had Asperger's and then she did get the diagnosis or close to one or something like that. So, I was the one that was being groomed to take care of Briana, even though when younger, she usually drove me crazy and the leniencies our parents gave her compared to how they treated me drove me crazy.


Then, after Daddy passed, Mama supposedly took care of things. She did have control of the finances, but I was always asking her if she was sure that we had enough money. She would say we did and then when she got so sick, I realized the truth as I had to handle the finances. Briana did help, but, of course, I was running around, bringing Mama to doctor's appointments and hospitals. Mama did drive and sometimes drove, but it came to where I could not trust her to drive and it was more of a nightmare when she insisted on driving somewhere, but I wasn't able to keep her at home, no matter how much I tried.

So, then Mama passed and of course, I wasn't going to not take care of Briana even though it was not always the best. And while it was a chore to still learn how to communicate with her better, it was worth it. It was never easy and having people judge me for how many people judged her (which they shouldn't have done, anyway) was never easy. Learning to communicate and interact with Briana over the years helped us be closer together even with the tons of challenges that I always had and that never really stopped. You have to choose your battles.

Everything is so back and forth with my emotions. I cry and then I stop and then something makes me laugh and I like that. Then, at times, I feel fine and comforted and even like Briana is communicating with me at times.

Then, I go and have these feelings of "What was I even fighting for?" but, I know, of course, that I wanted my sister to live. Then, the feeling of complete helplessness because I had no idea about her medical conditions. I had no idea what to tell the doctor from Baton Rouge when he called. I was never happy that they would just keep doing the same stuff and not try to find anything new.

Then, I think, Briana was probably pretty miserable with her body betraying her. Yet, she put on a brave face at least at the end.

Then I also get angry at Evergreen and their doctors for ever giving her Wellbutrin and not even letting her know as she was never supposed to have it. It was SO OBVIOUS when she got off of it. When they had her on it, she would message me on Facebook, "Why am I here?" and when I called her she would ask, "Why am I here?"

When she got them to finally stop, her brain cleared up and she seemed to understand more. I don't know if she remembered everything, but she wasn't asking me "Why am I here?" When she got to call me from the nursing home in Plaquemine, she talked to me about things, mainly missing her dogs, but I could usually get her to talk about Niblet and Radar and get her to love that they could hear her over the speaker phone.

It's so difficult and as other siblings (apparently, that's what caretaker siblings of special needs individuals call themselves as I am in a group) have said it is a very specific type of grief as we've had the issues of caretaking.

And it is hard and confusing. And yet, it is good to know that Briana is not suffering.

And yet, it is not like when my Mama passed. Yet, both basically ended in questions of why did I fight so much?

However, I also know that Briana chose to be on palliative care. She was always very strong willed and I have a feeling she would have found a way to eat something by mouth even if she was not supposed to eat by mouth. I don't think she ever got to try a hazelnut M&M, but I'd imagine that food in heaven is much better than anything on earth or that the food in heaven can taste like anything you want and is still better than anything on earth.

But, for me, it's hard and it's strange. I go back and forth from feeling like she should be here and wondering what I'll do (as I saw from back in 2016 a post when I told her that I didn't know what I'd do without my sister) to the feeling of, "Well, I now get to be completely myself" again.

And, then, I think of things like how she said she was proud of me for different things and I wonder, "Who will tell me they are proud of me for things I do?"

And I don't look forward to being alone for the holidays, especially with this virus that makes it so much worse.

Not long after I posted the status about the questions being answered, I went to look at things posted as comments and there were googly eyes on a falcon hood.

Briana LOVED(S) googly eyes.

When she was in the nursing home in Lake Charles (that was quite a long time ago now), I was going to try to buy some Googly eyes and we would put them on things so she could have something she loved, but I never got the chance. Things got too hectic with trying to take care of her and trying to get everything else done.

Briana, if you are looking down from heaven and paying attention (I think you are, or at least are listen to me), you heard that Trevor from The Arrogant Worms answered the two questions we came up with when we were going to Seguin back in 2006 (I think) to see Jonathan Rundman.

Where is planet Urf? He said it is right next to Flarvorgame (or maybe it was Flarvorgain?) and if you look right by it, then you see Planet Urf.

Can Gene Simmons lick his elbow? Yes, of course, but it's gross.

Last night, I had this weird thought, "What if you could take a pill that made your farts smell like unicorns and rainbows?" And it kinda seemed like Briana was giving me the second half of the thought.

I was getting really sad (I'm still sad, but not quite as bad) with missing Briana. Then, in my work, a ticket (that's the term for the requests from restaurants and customers with e-mails) from a restaurant showed up and I saw it had been there for 11 minutes and the name of the restaurant is Pretzelmaker. Briana loved(s) the number 11 and loved(s) pretzels.

I was looking for something happier and hoping I could find it (a stylized picture of Radar that Briana drew one time - I think it was when we went to Austin and Marble Falls to see Lost And Found at the last concerts in Texas).

I kept coming across my posts from all the times she was sick, and excuse the language, all the crap the hospitals and doctors put us through. I never thought she had it easy along with all the stress that I had. It's not like she was eating and having a relaxing time in the hospitals. I was always concerned about her and, of course, wanting to visit her and I was reading how much doctors DID NOT do in my posts . . .

Never given a diagnosis. Even the doctor from Our Lady of the Lake would call me and he would ask ME how long she had been having trouble managing her secretions. Um, you're the doctor and she hadn't been with me since October 2019. You need to be asking people who would know these things.

I know we wanted to see each other again so much. Maybe she gets to see me every day now.

I still cry because I miss her (sometimes I still cry because of missing my parents or missing my past doggies . . . so, duh?)

Yet, I am more at ease and can smile and laugh more than I ever did after each of my parents passed. I KNOW Briana believed in Jesus because we had those discussions often. Briana also definitely has a legacy that is hers as she made her games and she has some on Kongregate, and at least my favorite one works. I'm also going to try to be true to a story that she wanted to write, but I don't remember EVERYTHING, so from up in heaven, she'll have to forgive me if I don't get it all right with what she explained.

At least I would always remember to tell Briana that I loved her when she would call me and thankfully the last time she called me, it was not while I was working, so I got to talk to her a bit

#RememberingBriana. Briana LOVED to draw dog noses and she was good at it. It was so cute.

I'm sad because I miss Briana, but then she also still seems to talk to me from heaven in a way. One of the things that REALLY bothered me for some reason after my Mama passed was "Are there books in heaven?" Tonight, Briana seems to be telling me, "And you can read ALL THE BOOKS!"

#RememberingBriana #BrianaStillTalksToMe

Every now and then I would call Briana "Noodle Nose." She knew that I was just being silly. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade and we were on a grocery shopping trip at Kroger. There was a book at the checkout that was called, "Things to Call Your Sister," and it was just full of silly things. I picked it up quickly and one of the pages said, "Noodle Nose," so I called her "Noodle Nose."

I told her why, so she understood that I was just being silly.

I've never found that book anywhere.


Sometimes it seems like Jesus is letting Briana talk to me from heaven and I pray it is true. Answers or silly conversations seem to enter my mind at times. They've not been AS silly as things could get with her in the flesh, but they are still silly.

Tonight, I was thinking, "Well, if I want to be happier at times, I could think that Briana went back to her alien family." (This was a running joke that they were going to come back to get her.)

I seemed to be able to understand her saying that she got to go back to Planet Marshmallow Fudge.

Then, I was thinking my response of, "But you said Planet Marshmallow Fudge had been destroyed."

And then I seemed to get the answer, "But it was restored in heaven."

I hope she always gets to talk to me all my life like that. I pray to Jesus that she does.

And, who knows, maybe there is some Planet Marshmallow Fudge in heaven as Briana created it in her mind and God could make whatever places he wanted in heaven - or Briana was being completely silly because that's who God made her.

#RememberingBriana #BrianaStillTalksToMe

I'm coping and praying and asking Jesus if Briana can somehow communicate with me, though I will always miss our fun sister conversations. I mean, I am going to miss being able to sit with somebody and just randomly have a discussions about things like if children stay vampires after losing their baby fangs (https://www.facebook.com/notes/bridget-ilene-delaney/questions-to-which-we-want-to-know-the-answers-/10152896488787695/), or how IHOP has the best scrambled eggs and yet IHOE wouldn't be a good name for a restaurant, or listening to Briana's songs or silly stories she would create while doing chores.

Of course, none of that was really happening since she was sick in March 2019, but I know that she hoped to be back doing those things, too.

Perhaps Jesus can let her tell me stories in my dreams and I can remember them. They were always these funny short stories and funny short songs.

Here's one of her things she created while she was washing dishes back in 2014.

"Welcome to the LIE-brary. We have a non-fiction section, but none of the books tell any truth. Here you will find such information that Abraham Lincoln was a three-legged apostle and that the word 'narthex" means to intimidate your opponent with cheese. And that the game Angry Birds was based on a true story that occurred during the 14th century. And that Franz Schubert died after eating so many blueberries that he exploded."

I think I might have written this before, but I loved that Briana named her feet Fred and Ginger after not liking that somebody we knew would say, "Use Pete and Joe" for walking places. She said that it made sense to name them after Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. It didn't matter which was which. I asked her a few times and I think it would change. I know at times she would shrug.

Sometimes, I try to think of things as I know that any one of those times that Briana threatened to run away, if she had actually found a way to run away, I never would have known where she went, but it is difficult because she never did succeed and we became much closer.

It makes me sad seeing Facebook always giving me games asking if I can beat her at them.

I started getting sad when I was regualarly beating her at word games because when she was healthy, that was rare. She was so good at word games. She loved things like Boggle and Scrabble.

It seems so wrong, losting your little sister at the age of 36 - but I know she has gone on to her eternal glory. It is so very difficult, though.

And it is difficult for me to think, "You did your best." My parents were like that with school work, but not things at home as I got older. "My best," wasn't okay . . . I was supposed to live up to their standards . . . and yet, my home was full of love. My parents let me live with them while I kept looking for a job and then when Daddy died, Mama, Briana, and I all decided it would be good to get a house together - we were a very loving family - but the "do you best" thing somehow disappeared for me UNLESS it was school work (and then, sometimes in college, it wasn't that beause I was in journalism and not the hard sciences). When I thought I was supposed to be pursuing Youth Ministry, one time my Daddy literally yelled at me, "What's more important: God or a job?" And he wanted me to answer, "a job."

When Briana was alive, okay, and had her adult trike, she would "adopt" a homeless man. There was a man she had that was "her homeless man" for a while and I got to know him, too. Sadly, he died of pneumonia.

We had always seen him outside of the Dollar Tree that was the closest one to our house. Radar loved him and he her. He was a very nice man and it shows the heart that Briana had.

It was common for her to do such a thing.

I'm sure I've written more as it is so complicated
I <3 God, sheepie

Grief is complicated, life is tough . . .

Everything seems so wrong and when I feel okay, that seems wrong, too.

I prayed so much for Briana to get better, for her to have a diagnosis. I had thoughts about wondering if things could help with a diagnosis. They were nothing that I think would be dangerous physically or spiritually, but they weren't really things I believe in, even though I don't think it is anything that is terrible and against the Bible - that I know or can tell.

But, I had things to do such as a job and then I wanted to talk to Briana when I could. I felt bad when I would have to tell her that I could talk because I was working.

I hated having to tell her that I couldn't understand her, but she would just sound like somebody with a mouthful of something instead of like a person or like my sister after a bit of talking.

When she had suction, it was all I could really hear in the phone.

You expect to lose your parents when they are older, not when I lost them - Daddy when he was 55 (and I was 25) and Mama when she was 52 (and I was 30).

Yet, I know that all of them are no longer suffering. I'd never want them back to where they were suffering, but I would pray that they would get better.

Daddy had Type 1 diabetes (but not from youth - some bacteria or virus attacked his pancreas when he was sick and I was really little). From that, he had complications. He had Charcot's foot. He had his left leg amputate blow the knee because of that (in the summer of 2002) and then he had Charcot's foot in his right foot, too. (Diabetics, please, if you EVER have a blood blister on your foot, get it checked out QUICKLY . . .a nd if your foot starts looking misshapen, get your foot checked out IMMEDIATELY). My Daddy passed away from Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) and a heart attack with from those complications as he also had heart problems. I wish commercials wouldn't treat DKA like it is a condition that people just live with and manage like diabetes.

I was stressed with my Daddy. I was not using a transport wheelchair to get around yet with my Daddy, though I did not walk around a lot of places like a lot of people. My Daddy would make me push him around in his wheelchair. He would make me get his wheelchair out of the van that we had. He had a HEAVY wheelchair and he was over 200 lbs. Yes, me, as small as I am, he made me do those things.

Mama was an alcoholic (and she was before our Daddy died). She abused her antidepressants and she would only go to a GP about them and he would do whatever she wanted rather than be good about discussing them and talking through. I know that SHE could have still abused them, but the doctor was not good. My Mama ultimately passed away from sepsis. However, there were tons of issues. I was so stressed with Mama. She was always falling. She was always bruising herself. I was always trying to get her to go to the hospital when she fell, but she would refuse. It wasn't until I was arrested on those false charges that I found out somebody had reported me for elder abuse. I never did anything to abuse my Mama.

I still love my parents, despite all the awful things in life on this earth. I know they loved and love me, too.

I know Briana loved and loves me. She was stressful, too, though. When she was healthier, it was better. However, I wanted to give her her independence I have no idea how many adult tricylces and laptops and other electronics she went through. She would ride her adult tricycle around town - all around town - when she had one. Sometimes, she made it back to the house fine. However, there were other times when she would go riding and then the police would call me. I never had a car that was big enough to carry an adult tricycle. I would have to call a friend who had a big truck if nobody else would help. That was often the case. I don't know exactly when things got so bad with Briana. I had no idea how she could makede such a huge mess all of the time. Then, the few days or the week when she had been released from the nursing home, I literally saw her pull TONS of stuff out that had been cleaned up and throw them all over the floor in a matter of MINUTES. I couldn't have made a mess like that unless I had been given HOURS to make it. She was basically in some trance and then she blamed the mess on somebody else and insisted that she was looking for an item that would've been right in front of her face if she had just looked. I don't remember when it was, but it was with her and her dogs and I told her that things were fine and that the dog food was just in the car and we could get it (this was a normal thing), and yet, she went out riding her trike with her dogs and it was getting late and the police called me and she was at somebody's house. She had went up to the person's door and knocked on it, saying she was looking for dog food. It was kind of in the area of our neighborhood as it was near the school where we go to vote, but it was down the street at a little dead end. This made no sense. I had go to get her and hold her dogs as they (mainly Krueger) would not let the police get near her. Then then pneumonia in March 2019 and I can only wonder if she did something to her body when she gaver herself hypothermia in January 2019 . . . and if the hospital should have looked for more. But, from March 2019 to August 2019, I was constantly dealing with her health problems, running up and down to hospitals or the nursing home and doctor appointments, praying that she would get better, trying to find information, and not getting decent answers from doctors. I was not happy that they were not sending her to any specialty hospitals. I wanted her to be able to eat safely. I don't know how bad managing her secretions was. I had always tried to get Briana to go to the dentist, but she wouldn't. I know she had EXTREMELY rotten bottom teeth. I have no idea if this contributed to her dysphagia and reflux issues, though I know it might be possible.

There's so much about feeling responsible for her (though, I know, I was not ultimately responsible for her) because of how I was basically pushed to be responsible for so much that I should not have been responsible for as a kid.

My Mama would INSIST that I was her best friend. I HATED that. I loved my Mama and she was and is my Mama, but she was NOT my best friend. She did not want me to sleep in my own room. She would sabotage it by always having heavy boxes on my bed.

My parents, I guess when I was in middle school, started putting me in between them. My Daddy would take me aside and complain and say, "Well, your Mama . . ." and go on and on about things that bothered him. And then, I got it from my Mama, too. She would do it with, "Well, your Daddy . . ."

And then, Briana got away with so much. She was never made to be responsible for tons of things. For some things, yes, but not everything she should have been.

It doesn't mean I loved any of them any less, though.

And, when I was in school, there were things that I really liked, but I was bullied so much that I often wanted to go home because I knew love there. It got me away from the bullying.

There are plenty of good stories I can tell, too. It's very conflicting.

And I still have my faith. I don't understand why God does things this way and I do wish I could literally visit my Mama, my Daddy, my sister, my past doggies, so many friends . . . even if God does have them up there, my goldfish that I had when I was little.

I'm sad. I'm not relived that I have no immediate blood relatives, but I am relieved of not having the heaviness of the responsibility of caring for them - and yet, there's that guilt that it's not there because of the feeling of having to be responsible.

There are a couple of groups on Facebook where I at least am learning that these feelings are often common when having a sibling with disabilites.

I don't know if Briana had more than just Asperger's, but to me, there seems there may have been more issues than just her physical ones. The trance and the messes make me think there was more.

There's so much I want to write and want to talk about and it is so complicated . . .

But, at least I know Jesus is real and Jesus loves me and that my family is up in heaven. Briana did discuss her faith with me, which maybe that is why, while I really miss her and cry, I am not crumpled up in bed or on the floor in grief like I was with my parents.

Others may have heard my parents discuss their faith, but they didn't really discuss anything with me. My Daddy definitely had faith, but when he tried to insist I go back to a church where I was clearly being spiritually abused and the one verse I heard the most as I got older was "Honor thy father and thy mother," which he would use to mean, "Blindly follow what your father and mother tell you," and then feeling he was a big hypocrite about things, it made it difficult.

When I would try to discuss faith with my Mama, all she would say was, "I guess I believe how you believe." It would be fine if she believed exactly how I believed (however that is, becacuse I don't know everything with how God works and faith works - if I did, I'd be God), as long as she would discuss things, but she wouldn''t.

Briana and I talked quite a bit about faith before she was sick. She would even come and talk to me and say she was afraid of not believing in Jesus being Lord and we would talk about how doubt is a part of faith, that we have that feeling and that is when Jesus comes near and lets us know that He is there and things will start looking better.

I have things I want to do. I want my theatre school and the creative consultant business. I want to advocate for those who have autism and Asperger's and disabilities. Another person in one of the sibling groups mentioned wanting to stand up and speak out and try to get these group homes to quit being able to just get by with the bare minimum and call that care. I know Briana was not treated well at the group home in Baker. She said it was dark and that she did not get to see sunlight. She was forced to be in a group home with elderly poeple who could not talk or move. Evergreen has group homes all around the country and what I wanted for Briana was for them to get her to a good place, but they insisted that she NEEDED to be in Louisiana. I would've thought that with her health issues, they would have sent her to one close to a REALLY GOOD hospital, ut that wasn't their thinking.

Then, the time that they would NOT answer about her being in the hospital and I couldn't find where she was, I had even gone to the local Evergreen office and they called and they wouldn't even tell the Evergreen office that she was in the hospital! "In the hospital" without telling any issues. I don't think that violates HIPAA. I don't know, but just, "she's in the hospital." That group home made me very angry as they would always lie to me. Honestly, I was scared Briana would pass away there and they would lie to me about it. When she was at the group home in Sulphur, they at least kept me informed and they let me talk to her on the phone.

I know, I am rambling, but I really needed to type this out.
I <3 God, sheepie

Have a great time in heaven, Briana.

Briana Lyn Delaney tsukiai, my sister, passed away on September 28, 2020. She was only 36 years old.

To the best of their knowledge, she aspirated and went into cardiac arrest. She was in a nursing home in Plaquemine, Louisiana.

She had been having a lot of trouble with her health ever since March 2019 when she had pneumonia and we were never sure if her having pneumonia caused a fall or if the fall ended up giving her some type of virual pneumonia.

I had not been able to see her since Septmeber 2019. At first, I did not have any money to go see her as I did not have a job and only had money from an annuity that JUST covered bills and other expenses.

Then, I couldn't visit any of the places where she was located because of COVID19 restrictions. There were only some times I got to video chat, talk on the phone, or chat on Facebook messenger.

Godspeed and may light perpetual always shine upon her. She is greatly missed.
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I <3 God, sheepie


I NEED help. Seriously NEED help, please, anybody who can find help for me . . .

I got home tonight and I thought I just stepped in dog pee, so was going to get stuff to clean that all up. Right now, there's a cabinet file in my hallway because it was something Briana and I were going to work on getting organized into my room. Anyway, I went back into the hall after going into the bathroom and realized the TOP of the filing cabinet was all wet. I knew dogs couldn't pee on top of the filing cabinet!

Yep, my ceiling is leaking, probably from the air conditioning. I see that it is peeling. It wasn't doing that when I left this morning to go to the meeting about Briana's care. It was completely dry. That means it happened while I was gone today.

I think I'd have the $60 trade call fee for the company from Choice Home Warrany (if they could even come and fix the problem). BUT I know they won't come into my house in the condition it is in.

Yes, I keep cleaning a little bit whenever I am feeling okay. However, the nursing home still keeps me running around doing other stuff, too. I have to bring documents, attend meetings, go and do other things for Briana' health.

So, now I've got a VERY WET filing cabinet and hallway. I know things will just need to be thrown out. I need LOTS of help, though.

I <3 God, sheepie

For Some Reason, It Just Feels Right to Share This Now . . .

I wrote this back on April 6, 2012. I don't know why, but I just feel like sharing it now, for some reason it feels right to do such a thing . . . and the response, which came just a day later. I sent it to the person who heads or headed the group, Ricci Milan (and he says he last name as "My-lan" and not like the city in Italy).

I wrote:

I've seen "Feet Don't Fail Me Now" twice. Y'all are amazing.

I'm a writer and one day hope to at least have a well-selling book.

I'm also a freelance writer - but I'll contact you about possible interview later.

I had no idea what to expect the first time you came to Lake Charles, LA. My family happened to have season Banner Series tickets that year. I was looking forward to you and to the Aluminum show. While the Aluminum show as cool and it was sold out, and extremely crowded.

However, I fell in love with FDFMN and Rhythmic Circus.

As an INFP and a creative person, I love the feelings I get from watching y'all.

I had a really bad day the second time you came to Lake Charles. However, nothing was going to stop me from seeing FDFMN again. I knew I would love the performance and I knew it would make me feel better.

I cannot explain it. I was not in love. I was not feeling well.

However, when Rhythmic Circus gets up on the stage and starts dancing, it fills my soul and my whole being with joy. My heart and soul and creative being are filled so full watching everybody and listening to the creative way everything is put together.

Even though I wasn't in love with anybody, it felt like I was totally in love - like I was filled up with love for somebody that I would never give up in my entire life.

I can't explain it, but your joy, your enthusiasm, your creativity, and your energy fill me up like that and I cannot imagine not going to see a show when you are in my area.

I'm always inspired to be more creative after seeing you, too. I go home energized with creativity and ideas.

FDFMN is that inspiring and awesome. Please, continue to do what you do! Please keep bringing joy to everybody! Please keep doing workshops with children to help them (as a Youth Ministry person and mentor, this is extremely important to me).

And, yes, Ellen for FDFMN!!! I want to see y'all on Ellen!

Bridget Ilene Delaney

He wrote back:
wow, i kinda teared up a bit there. thank you Bridget! beautiful words! i promise to keep spreading the love if you promise to do the same! FDFMN!!! anything is possible!
I <3 God, sheepie

Brisket - How can it be so happy and so sad at the same time?

Today, Briana and I had to go out to Westlake so we could pay for the car detailing (despite having to wait three days longer than promised for it) and get the car towed back to the Kia dealership.

However, with Briana making money at her job, she decided that we should stop for dinner (and I had to use the bathroom, so we really didn't want to be rude anywhere, and stopping was good for us). We stopped at this place called Jeanne's Bourbon Street BBQ. Briana ordered the sampler plate for us to share. She doesn't eat beef, so I got the brisket (just two little slices_. I also ate the sausage (a cut up link) because she found it too spicy, then I took one pork rib and tiny bits of the chicken and pulled pork. I had the baked beans and I took a tiny bit of macaroni and cheese. We each had a roll and then for dessert we each had a piece of cheesecake drizzled with chocolate and topped with whipped cream.

All of the food was good, of course. However, this is the first time that I've had any brisket that was close to my Mama's in any way. It made me happy and sad. It wasn't quite like my Mama's, but it was very tender. I think I only had my Mama's once or twice in my life because she was so sick that she didn't cook it often and then as she got worse, her cooking got worse and her ideas about cooking got worse.

However, when she wasn't so bad, she could make a brisket in the oven that was so tender, the meat would fall right off the bone. You literally couldn't slice the meat into slices because it was that tender. It was almost like a pulled brisket because of how tender it was.

I remember that and loving it so much.

It made me so sad and so happy at the same time. It was like I wanted to cry, but I also didn't want to cry. I'm still feeling that way.

Also, I'm still waking up with a very strange feeling and I hate that. I really wish I would wake up and feel normal. I want to feel completely like myself. I don't know why it went back to being this way.